I reflect on where I am now and none of my reality resembles that cherished past. There are no more circles, no more lines…those relationships are merely memories that with time continue to fade and become less relevant in the grand scheme of this life.
This is why I am so on edge. This is why I remain on the verge of tears. This is why I go through cycles of reverting back to old habits and turning to food, attempting to numb the inexplicable pain these feelings and thoughts cause. The physical pain I create for myself, and the guilt I feel for feeding my body such toxic crap, which goes against everything I believe in, is all a distraction from the harsh yet true reality that has become my life. So here I am back to the start of this pathetic yet huge roller coaster, all over again…it's shameful and embarrassing, but practically impossible to conceal.
I used to be involved in so many various activities and organizations while also a full-time student. Now, I feel like I merely have the time and mental/emotional energy to go to work and sneak in a few hours of unrestful sleep. I believe that I am great at my job on most days yet it frustrates me that those who work the hardest and possess the most important qualities, receive the least amount of respect and compensation for their work. I graduated at the top of my class, composed of thousands of students, but I am now in a position that leaves me feeling trampled on and yearning for more.
This is why I have been the way I have…these are the demons that haunt me, these are the internal thoughts that I stew upon and from which I am so overcome with emotion and hopelessness. I peaked years ago and I wish that would have been the end because I'd rather a few short years of amazing memories, relationships, and positive impact, than years and years of feeling miserable and totally alone. I can't remember the last time I smiled and it was truly genuine. I'm not sure the last picture I took where I was completely authentic. I'm afraid for tomorrow. I'm afraid for my future. I will never be someone's maid of honor, I am no one's "person." I may never be someone's wife, I may never feel completely, inherently loved nor experience full orgasmic pleasure. I may never be a mother and know what the feeling of carrying a life is like nor holding something that is a piece of me. I may never have a lasting impact on this world, I may never be remembered.