There is only a small group of individuals with whom I have divulged some of my most personal struggles and experiences; however, I have recently had an even more difficult time than usual. Since I have alluded to these personal issues in previous posts, and this blog is meant to encompass my individual opinions, ideas, and emotions, I decided it would be a reasonable outlet to allow myself to vent and stream my current, pervasive thoughts.
Lately, I have been feeling so overwhelmed with emotions. Thoughts are constantly racing through my head...I am extremely stressed due to all of my class work, sad that so many highly-valued friendships and activities have disintegrated or taken an extreme back seat due to the depression and anxiety I have been experiencing, frustrated and angry that I've battled with my issues for so long, nervous about finding a fulfilling and rewarding job, and absolutely ashamed of how I look. I just feel like I've truly lost the vivacious, passionate, beautiful person I once was.
I've been battling since the tenth grade...going on eight years now. I've seen multiple therapists, physicians, and even took a medical leave last spring to focus solely on restoring my well-being. Yet despite all of that, I am still struggling. Every day I continue to be at war with myself. Clearly, I recognize that I am physically and emotionally walking a very fine line. In no way am I in any sort of denial about that. I just feel so overwhelmed by everything that at this point, I am simply trying to do what I need to in order to function and persevere through these final courses of my undergraduate career. At times my thoughts and emotions are so intense that they literally become debilitating and it feels hard to breathe. I want more than anything to escape these horrendous feelings and to once and for all feel liberated from my own mind. I tell myself that graduation marks the start of a new chapter of my life when things will begin to improve and the old me will be restored, but I am not sure that I necessarily believe that...As for right now in this moment, I am sighing with great relief, as another day is coming to a close. I survived the internal battle until tomorrow, when it may begin again.
I cannot seem to rid myself of the all or nothing mentality. The Academy has taught me how to dissect and discover the grey areas in the world, but where the heck is it in my own life? Why can't I live in that realm, let alone even grasp it for more than a moment in time? Although the deep issues I have revealed here still remain somewhat ambiguous, they are my truth, my reality, and I feel scared and hesitant to publish them. Yet I have learned that communication is a key to success and through openness and honesty with others, and myself, I am more accountable and might receive a new piece of wisdom or helpful form of support. Cooking has become one of my passions, but in this instance, I've been following a recipe for failure and need to change my ingredients!