Recently, I have started to question if G-d really exists. For the past six years, I accepted my struggle with eating disorders as His way of teaching me profound lessons and guiding me down a path that would allow me to help others who are also sick with the disease. Yet as more and more time passed, I became impatient and frustrated with the lack of progress and response to the questions I had posed. I kept looking for a sign, praying for Him to show me the way yet everything seemed to only get darker.
Last night when Ms. Meisel calmly proclaimed her love and devotion for G-d while recalling the incident at her concentration camp whereby an officer smashed her friend's infant on the asphalt and proceeded to shoot her friend when she wouldn't hand over the baby's shoe, I suddenly came to a realization. It was not that G-d was allowing this torture to happen or even instigating these events, but rather, He was experiencing a bullet to the heart for every one of his people who was suffering. So, it is time that I stop asking G-d why I am burdened by a horrible disease and instead begin to save myself. Afterall, G-d can only help those who help themsleves, right? Without my health, I have nothing and as I internalize the fact that I am hitting rock bottom, He is also experiencing that fall with me.
I can no longer wait around for answers to questions of why and how, or accept that this is just the way my life will be. No, it is time for me to take action. I realized that this break through happened because I am scared to death to stop trying. At the age of 20, I can not settle for living this way the rest of my life. I will not allow it. I have decided to take the biggest step possible to start down and stay on a road to recovery and I recognize that it will require all of the courage, strength, and faith that I have in me to take this journey; however, I have taken that first step by acknowledging what needs to be done and now I need to move forward with it for myself, my family, my true friends, and mainly, for G-d.
"I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have and cannon ball into the water...for You, I will."--Teddy Geiger